Five Things Not to Say to Someone with Lung Cancer

Five Things Not to Say to Someone with Lung Cancer
If you’re looking for ways to comfort a friend, these simple guidelines from a lung cancer survivor will help you find the right words. The following is based on Lori Hope's book, “Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know.” Hope, a lung cancer survivor who quit smoking 17 years before her diagnosis, interviewed and surveyed scores of cancer patients, caregivers, and health and communication professionals to determine what people with cancer want others to know.

What's most important is to listen with an open heart and mind, to try and understand how your friend is feeling, and to refrain from offering unwanted advice or trying to "fix it." There are no hard and fast rules about what to say or not say because individuals differ, but below are five statements and questions that people who have received a lung cancer diagnosis say they'd prefer not to hear.

1. "Did you smoke?"
Whether your friend smoked or not, the question can make her feel guilty, ashamed or defensive. What's important is to let your friend know that you're there and you have compassion. When someone has cancer, they want to look forward, not backward, and they need to feel supported, not judged, in any way. You might say something like, "Suffering is so random. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I want you to know I love you and I'm here for you."

2. "Are you in remission?"
The word "remission" implies to most cancer survivors that it's coming back. It's best to let your friend or colleague bring up the subject of his cancer, especially if it's been a while since he completed treatment. Many people just like to forget. In fact, in my book, the statement that more people with cancer wanted others to know than any other was, "I need to forget and laugh."

3. "My Aunt Hilda had lung cancer but she didn't make it," or any other horror story.
Tell positive stories, never scary stories, about other people who have had lung cancer. People with cancer need to feel hope, and horror stories are obvious hope-busters. This is true for anyone going through hard times, but even more so for those who are rendered especially vulnerable by such a stigmatized and terrifying disease.

4. "What's your prognosis?"
Prognosis is a medical term and it makes most people with cancer think about how long they have to live. Even if they're a positive thinker (see below), they may not want to think about how long doctors or statistics indicate they're going to survive.

5. "You have to think positively!"
Though studies show that hope can strengthen the immune system and stress can tax it, it can be impossible to think positively when you're traumatized, especially by a disease such as lung cancer. Telling your friend it's normal to feel depressed will do a lot more for her healing than making her feel inadequate, guilty or frightened because she's feeling down.

Dr. Jimmie Holland, mother of the discipline of psycho-oncology and author of the classic, “The Human Side of Cancer: Living With Hope, Coping With Uncertainty,” writes about what she calls the tyranny of positive thinking: "All this hype claiming that if you don't have a positive attitude and that if you get depressed you are making your tumor grow faster invalidates people's natural and understandable reactions to a threat to their lives." Better to say, "I'm here for you, here to listen, here to help, whatever you need. I love you."

For more information, please visit www.LoriHope.com.
Note: This article also appears on CarePages.com, where Lori has a popular blog, "Hope for Cancer: what helps. what hurts. what heals."